1 year, a HUGE milestone!!!

Today, I am proud to say that my husband is 1 YEAR SOBER!!!! I'm not even sure how to express how excited and proud I am. I look back at where he was 2 years ago, and it just blows my mind. The best part is, he really has done this for himself. He wasn't court ordered, he wasn't shoved into it by his family. He got sober for himself. I can only pray that this is just one of many big milestones in his recovery.

I always new that someday he would get sobriety, but I didn't know when, and I didn't know how wonderful it would be. Alcohol and drugs had turned him into such a foreign person, and I was beginning to believe that some of his personality traits were permanent. When I take a good look at him now, it's like looking at a completely different person. It's amazing how much he even looks physically different.

Like I've said before, with this milestone comes the harsh realization that I need to start my own recovery. We went to a meeting last night at our church, and there is an Al-Anon meeting across the hall. I told everyone that if I show up to the addict meeting next week, to pick me up and throw me in the Al-Anon meeting. I know I need it, but I'm a little fearful of whatever demons I've been ignoring the past eight years. Things seem to be going so well, couldn't I just go on ignoring my deep rooted feelings forever??? No, guess not.

Passion

I was sitting in a work meeting the other night, and the trainer wanted everyone to go around and say their name and what they were passionate about in life. And you couldn't say your family. Hmmm. This was a simple question. No one seemed to be having trouble with it but me. Some of the answers were traveling, their careers, fitness, etc. When it got to me, I came up with such a pathetic answer. I said, "I USED to be passionate about dance." Used to be?! I couldn't think of anything I'm currently passionate about?

When my husband was deep in the ocean of addiction, I sacrificed almost everything I was to help him through. My world revolved around protecting him, holding his head above water, making sure he made it through. I left a job I really liked for something that paid better and had better benefits. I rushed home from work so I could get home in time to shove him out of bed so he might make it to work that night. I raided every nook and cranny of the room so I could dispose of any pills/bottles before my mom or dad found them. (Oh yeah, we lived with my parents for a year and a half.) I tried tirelessly to convince my family that everything was going to be ok, even though I wasn't sure it would be. And after all this, there was nothing left of me. There was no room for passion in my life.

When I was in the 5th grade, my mom put me in a dance class. I had begged her since I was a little girl to put me in dance, because I wanted to be just like my big sister and travel the world dancing. When she finally gave in, that is when my life truly began. It was like taking a deep breath of fresh air for the first time in my life.
I can't tell you why I stopped. I can only tell you that somewhere along the way, my priorities changed, and dance dropped to the bottom of the list.

So here I am, 25, having been through so much the past eight years, and I couldn't answer that question. I've spent SO much time giving myself to others, that I've forgotten myself. I'm hoping that I can overcome my fear of looking inward, while still keeping the gift of being able to look outward.

I've thought a lot about that question though, and I think I've come up with a few answers:

1) I AM passionate about my family. They have gotten me through some really tough spots in life.

2) I'm passionate about my faith. God is the only reason I'm here today, with a husband with almost a year of sobriety under his belt.

3) I'm passionate about addiction recovery. It has become a huge part of my life, and I hope I can continue to learn and grow. And I hope that eventually, I'll be able to figure out what number 4 is on this list.

Addiction: No respector of persons

It doesn't care who you are. It doesn't care what you do for a living, or how much money you make. It doesn't care what religion you are. It doesn't care if you are young, old, or anywhere in between. The problem is, most that are taken are done so unwillingly. It is addiction. In my life, it got my Grandfather and my Husband.

My name is Natalie, and I'm married to an alcoholic/addict. I met my husband when I was 16, started dating him when I was 17, and married him when I was 21. And yes, I did know he was an addict when I married him. This is very hard for a lot of people to understand, but to those people, I would ask this. If you knew the love of your life had cancer, would you leave them to fight their disease alone? And yes, I do believe that addiction is a disease. Man, is that a hot topic in the medical field. I'm outraged at what some are saying, that addiction is a "choice". That's got to be a topic for another posting, because I could go on and on. Never mind the fact that the brain chemistry is changed once addiction has set in. But, like I said, another post.

I am starting this blog for a couple of reasons. First, I believe it will be therapeutic for me. My husband is just 4 days shy of being one year sober, and I am realizing that it's time to work on my own recovery, now that he has got a pretty good handle on his. Second, if by some random chance that someone actually reads this, maybe it will help them. When my husband relapsed for the first time as my husband, not my boyfriend, I was terrified. I wanted to protect him from other's judgements, so I didn't talk about it. To anyone. I was completely alone in my fears for myself and for him, and I didn't have to be. Little did I know that there were thousands of people out there in my situation. Man, would it have helped to know what other's were going through. Maybe this blog can be that for somebody.